What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Where can Ukrainians go if they cannot have shelter and heating this winter?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I could never make a relationship work though!

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Would this be the day?

She was in good health!

Why do men like to have sex with a woman's ass?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I think the readers, may guess!

Can someone write me a sex story?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I said to her

He knew the spot.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was scared of men, in general

And i lived it daily.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She married twice! .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

And who doesn’t know suffering?

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My life is so biszare .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I couldn’t, believe it.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

All the time i was locked up.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Who then, do I blame.?

Especially a lifetime of it.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im still living with it.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I was seconnd youngest,

I waited trembling.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

So whats the point in blame.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I don,t even have a pension.

She wouldn,t have been !

It was going to be , some day.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I write beautiful poetry .

But ive been too sick for many years..

I was very sick at this time too.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Put me off passion for life!!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

We all went to grammer schools

What did i know ?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But it wasn’t much.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My family never makes their pension either.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I never cut or harmed myself..

Comes on , in middle age.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

She found it foreign!.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

One cannot live in the past .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

So, i spoilt her more .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But, we were locked up after school.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I will be 64.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Ive learnt so much.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Was to survive, this bastard.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

When she asked me how she looked .

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She loved him until the end.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He resisted the act ,that day.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

We were not on the streets..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I was 9 years of age.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

This is soul school!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I have no regrets .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

As i do to all so called friends.?